The Gift of Loss

“The Gift of Loss is a straightforward, healthy approach to parenting that provides children with the security they need to cope with life’s disappointments and losses. I recommend this lovely work to all parents, caregivers and educators.”
-Jane Lindberg, Director of Psychosocial Services/Grief Therapist Hind Hospice, Fresno, CA

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“I am happy to endorse The Gift of Loss. This book deals factually with the stages of child development and teaches parents how to deal with losses in a loving manner and with common sense. The discussion on attachment is particularly timely and well presented. A great ‘how to’ book!”
-Lura J. Reddington, MD Obstetrics & Gynecology

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“The Gift of Loss is a great book. I learned that when something happens, you need to talk it out with someone or else it’ll stay within you and it might affect you later in life.

As a thirteen year old, I can relate to some stories she tells in the book. When Grace is talking about someone haveing a child and they are expecting another one, there could be some problems with their oldest child adjusting to the new baby. I can remember that I did feel a little jealous or unwanted sometimes, but it’s natural to feel this way.

It made me understand many things and I’m really happy that I read this amazing book.”
-Nayeli Espinosa

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“My name is Jennifer Melendez. I have read the book The Gift of Loss. I read this book in two days. I just could not put it down. When I would read I would tell my mom some things it said in the book, and she liked the advice that was given in the book. The thing I liked the most about the book was the short stories that were being told. This book has shown me some of the alternatives for handling situations that have to do with children.

When I get older and have my own kids, I’ll probably read the book again just to make sure I do things right. I’m glad this book is going to come out in different languages so it will give my mom a chance to understand us better.”
-Jennifer Melendez, Sanger High School 11th Grade

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“When I received a call from Grace recently, we had not been in contact since my retirement from California State University, Fresno, about ten years earlier. Grace could not have known the circumstances of my own life when she contacted me, although there are those who say that nothing happens coincidentally. The truth is that at the time I was experiencing exactly the kind of situation Grace addresses in The Gift of Loss.

My wonderful husband, Paul, and I had a special marriage for forty-nine years before he was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2001. He lasted eight months with chemo and radiation. Exactly three months after he died, my son David, a healthy, non-smoking forty-five-year old, was also diagnosed with lung cancer. Every doctor he saw during the first weeks-doctors at Sloan Kettering and other famous places-told him there was no hope. Because he and his wife, Makiko, had watched Paul during the dying process, they decided against chemo. I lost both my husband and son within six months.

Makiko and my eighteen-month-old granddaughter, Anna, came to live with me. Eighteen months later, I received a letter from Grace telling me about her book. How did Grace know about the hours and hours Anna’s mother and I had pondered the exact questions this book addresses? I had used everything I knew about child development and psychology to do what was best for Anna, but when one’s own loved one is the topic, the brain and heart must act together. Those who have experienced this anguish will truly understand the value of this book.

When Anna was three and a half, I experienced a critical moment with her. For many weeks, she had asked me to read and reread a beautiful little book called Lifetimes. It has wonderful illustrations of birds, trees, plants, animals, insects, and people, and its message is very simple: Everything has a beginning and an ending, and in between is what is called a lifetime. Anna had been working over this concept constantly in her little brain. When we would go for a walk, she would ask, ‘Does a snake have a lifetime?’ Or she would say, ‘Nana, you and I are having our lifetimes right now.’ At times I would bury the book under a pile of other books, but she would find it and ask me to read and reread it.

I wondered if Anna would ever make the connection with her daddy, but I never made it for her. Makiko and I had agreed long ago to talk with her about her daddy’s death only when she brought up the subject, and not before. Well, during the 999th reading, Anna said quietly, ‘My daddy had a lifetime, and then he died. And I miss him.’ I told her that she was right-that’s what happened-and that I miss her daddy too. Later I asked Makiko if she had said anything specific to Anna about David’s death, and she said, ‘No, I thought you did.’ So little Anna figured all this out herself in her own way, and somehow it makes sense to her.

I feel the joy Grace must be experiencing at this major achievement and proud of her excellent presentation of basic child development principles. She presents a principle, explains it, and then illustrates with a cogent, appropriate quotation from Scripture or literature. Her presentation of child development and psychology is wonderfully practical and meaningful. Professionally, it is a privilege to commend this book and publicly praise Grace for her accomplishment. Personally, it is remarkable to realize through these pages my former student, Grace, has reassured me that we are doing the right thing for little Anna.”

Doris O. Smith, EdD